Some days it can feel like your child with ADHD has a vendetta against you. You tell them to go out…they go in. You say stop…they go. You tell them to start their homework, and they look at you and turn on the television. When our kids show defiance and go against our warnings or directions, it can feel downright infuriating. And it can make you question whether you are even a good parent.

First, let’s normalize this: you are not alone! Defiance is one of the most common challenges faced by parents and teachers of children with ADHD. As a psychologist, whenever a parent tells me that their child is defiant, I always try to dig a little deeper to find out why?

The truth is that defiance is often a symptom of a larger problem for the child or with their environment.

Today, I am sharing four possible reasons for defiance in children with ADHD.

1) Executive functioning differences

I remember testing a young girl and asking her to complete some math facts quickly for 1 minute. Af...

Years ago, I talked with a friend about her daughter with ADHD. She was very concerned because her daughter was lying frequently at school. The teacher had now come to her mother wanting to address the problem, but they were both overwhelmed and unsure of how to address lying.

After talking with many families over the years, the concern about lying is a common one for our kids with ADHD. When children lie, we as parents (understandably!) tend to overreact and assume this type of behavior will only lead to other concerns, such as stealing or total lack of concern for others. The truth is, lying can be a reflection of a child’s ADHD brain and differences in executive functioning skills. 

Why Kids with ADHD Lie

First, it’s important to note that lying is a normal part of cognitive development as young children (around 4-6 years of age) learn that others can’t read their mind and that their thoughts are private. It’s an exciting development for kids, albeit a frustrating one for pare...

Raise your hand if you have ever asked your child to do something (e.g., finish their math homework, put away their laundry, or pick up toys in the backyard), only to be frustrated when the final result isn’t what you expected? As a momma to two little ones, this can be so irritating to me! It can be discouraging when we have an expectation and it isn’t met. The truth is, we often develop our expectations from a “future picture” in our mind. And when it doesn’t work out the way we planned, we are disappointed. Have you ever…

• Been on a tropical vacation, expecting it to be sunny, and then had stormy weather instead?
• Started on a loop-trail hike, and realized that the trail was much longer than you expected, but you have to keep going in order to get to the end?
• Baked two dozen cookie monster cupcakes, only to have them turn out like this?!?!

If you have ever been disappointed because the outcome didn’t match your expectation, or thrilled because it was even better than you i...

If I had a nickel for every time parents told me that they had already (without much lasting impact!) tried a reward system at home with their child—well, I would be a rich woman. Many of you who have a child with ADHD, an autism spectrum disorder, or executive functioning challenges have struggled with your child not listening or following directions at home, having frequent meltdowns, hitting peers or siblings, using disrespectful language, etc. So, you probably decided to try a rewards system to work on these skills. And--let me guess--your child’s behavior improved initially, but then a week later you were right back where you started.

Believe me, I know. I have been there, too, with my own kids. We start a cotton ball jar for following directions and showing kindness. A week into it, my kids are sharing well and following their morning and nighttime routines with ease. Another week later and I’m forgetting to give the cotton balls, my kids are taking 30 minutes to get dressed ...